Author: c0ld--

Tales in trolling: “That band is irrelevant, therefore your joke is invalid.”

So I was browsing Reddit and saw this post about Chicago Blackhawks winger Artemi Panarin making a goal from a spot that’s known as “Ovechkin’s spot” (in Ice Hockey, it’s near the top of the right circle from the goalie’s perspective).

Someone made a comment about how this spot should be known as “Breadman’s Oven” (Panarin’s nickname is “The Breadman”). Well, someone sent down a senior officer from Grump & No-Fun Enterprises to respond to this thread. The following conversation is what ensued:

JD397
Forget the Ovi spot, that spot right there is the Breadman’s Oven.

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
No it isn’t.

I decided to send him a link to NOFX song called “Wrong”

c0ld–
I’m not PM-ing this song to you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUZ5gGO0_Pw

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
NOFX after 2004
Absolutely haram. Get your ice zones and music tastes in order. You’re sloppy.

c0ld–
I google’d “wrong song”. That’s how much effort I put toward that joke. You should try enjoying jokes. They’re pretty fun.

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
I do.
You should know your audience better if you wanna make jokes. Cause that wasn’t good.

c0ld–
Thanks for the info. Next time I’ll remember not to crack wise in front of a Blues fan.

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
Or anybody that’s listened to NOFX in the last 10 years…

c0ld–
Man you must really fucking hate NOFX. You want me to drive down and pick you up so we can kick some no-longer-relevant ass? Wait, are you a small scrappy fighter or a tank? Because I don’t have any room for a fat guy in my car due to all of the other NOFX haters I’ll be bringing with me.
That’s right, Gina. Buckle up because we will be literally cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
You’re almost there but that still wasn’t very funny.

c0ld–
That was pretty redundant. Hey, you should go back to telling me how not relevant NOFX is. Even though it was a poor method of refuting something subjective like humor, it reminded me of the better memories I have of you. Like, remember that one time I cracked a joke, and you were all like “Fuck that noise, I’m all about choking down some dick and swimming in a pool of apathy.” Good times.
Did you know NOFX reunited in 2009 for a 25th anniversary performance? Wow, they’re old! Like fucking old, dude! But not like fucking an old dude. That’s just gross. Unless you’re into that kind of stuff. Don’t worry! This is a non-judgemental zone. No, wait. This is a very judgemental zone.
Hey, remember the time you went to fucking Pound Town and judged the fuck out of my joke? Dude, you were judgemental as fuck! Good work, bro. Are you a mod on /r/funny? Because that sub is unfunny as fuck. Thanks for keeping out the humor, bro.
Why do I keep saying “bro”? Well, because you’re a Blues fan and I figured that’s how you folk like to talk. Right? Fuckin’ ay let’s go chuck some fresh brewed cold Budweiser down our throats and beat up some gas station attendants, bro. Yeah! Or do you also speak Chicagonese? Bang! Bang! Bang! let’s go be corrupt somewhere and fat with our pizza. Da’ Bears!

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
You need validation so bad.
It’s too bad.

c0ld–
Oh, so you’re at this stage. Nice projection, bro!
You just keep telling yourself that I need validation, when the truth is nothing is good enough for you because deep inside you’re really very depressed about something and you’re having trouble expressing your feelings about it. So when some goofy motherfucker on the internet like me doesn’t move on from your perpetual grumpiness, you’re forced to confront how you really feel about something – and it makes you feel uncomfortable!
Also, I don’t care about your validation because, unlike you, I don’t see you as a source of authority.

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
And yet, who keeps trying and who has to explain themselves?
That’d be you. Needing validation.

c0ld–
You’d be correct if I were trying to explain, well, anything. I’m being nonsensical and erratic, bro. You keep replying to these absolutely ridiculous replies trying to prove to yourself that you are right – as if we’re in some kind of battle. I mean, really? You think I’m trying to explain myself in my bit about “Blues/Chicago speak”? Hey, I’m impressed. You’re highly functional, bro.
Just so we can be even-Steven, use humor on me and I’ll refute it based on completely irrelevant merits and then persist to not lighten up, even though it’s clear as fucking day that you’re just goofing off. OK, go.

_PM_ME_UR_SONGS_
No, thanks.
I’m just enjoying the crumble.

At this point I thought I’d wrap things up by replying from an alt-account:

PM_ME_UR_NOFX_SONGS
SUP BRO I UNDERSTAND WE’RE TALKING ABOUT NOFX COOL BRO WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SONG? EDIT;WAIT LOL NM i”LL JUST PM YOU

I then PM’d him the same link to the NOFX song, and I think to an image of Trump’s mouth with the word “Wrong” superimposed on it.

Quién es Sombra?

Sombra leaked image
Leaked image of Sombra

Welp, that was a swing and a miss. The Sombra ARG didn’t really capture the Overwatch audience like Blizzard had hoped. There were some delays with releasing the character – and because Blizzard didn’t want to officially reveal the character (or characters), they decided not to talk about it. That’s fine.

But what’s not fine is this overreaction from some of the Overwatch fans on the internet. On the official Blizzard forums and on Reddit, fans are creating posts calling out Blizzard for their failed ARG.

Look, a lot of us invested some time and excitement in the release of this character. It didn’t pay off. A small group of Overwatch fans got together to solve bits of clues in the ARG within minutes of their discovery. Even though the ARG didn’t pay off, did it not build some camaraderie with other Overwatch fans?

One cry baby on Reddit says “If this is just pure marketing, it will really make me think less of them as a company.” Another cries “I hope to god that people boo them the fuck out when they announce Sombra at Blizzcon.”

Aw, you’ll think less of  Blizzard as a company? It’s really cute that you valued a not-very-active ARG that eventually led to a website that had a timer that lasted for 2 months – which a lot of us ultimately forgot about until the week it was due.

It’s funny how entitled some of these gamers become when something like an ARG (which was free content, on top of what they paid for) doesn’t pan out the way they wanted.

I, for one, was a little disappointed, but it didn’t interrupt my day. I didn’t get sad. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t get concerned about my competitive rank or worry about missing out on getting to be another drop in a flooded market of players waiting to play Sombra.

Fuck Sombra. And fuck investing emotions in a company. They want to make money. I want entertainment. If their game fails, or if an ARG doesn’t pan out, I’ll simply move on to play another game, watch a movie, read a book, or play with my dog. It’s not the end of the world.

R28gZnVjayB5b3Vyc2VsZiwgU29tYnJhLg==